Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I Make Changes

I just went through and deleted quite a few blog drafts I have started over the past few months. There were posts about kids making fun of my child with a developmental delay at the gym and how my other children stand up for him and finding out they have lost friends at school because they stood their ground against kids teasing not only their brother but other kids in his special needs class. It made me both proud and sad at the same time. There was an angry post over stretch marks and some stupid Facebook and Instagram posts about how if this woman's body can look like this after kids you have no excuse. No, no mine can't, I have stretch marks all over from 4 kids in 6 years, no matter how hard I try that will not change. Also, I am not necessarily proud of them they are just part of how I got the amazing little people that I am proud of. My stretch marks are ugly to me (I don't care about anyone elses I just don't like mine). I am all for working out and eating right. I don't care about fat, skinny, muscular whatever. Are you healthy? I am working on it. I want to be fit for my health first, but I also feel like my frame looks better with out sooooo much weight on it as well. Which brings me to the next deleted post. I want to feel beautiful. I know my sweet, sweet girlfriends will tell me I don't see what they see, but they see me different because they love me. I want to be beautiful to everyone ME. Maybe if I felt beautiful I would feel better in general. Which leads right into the last deleted post, my divorce. That's right Mr. Clean and I called it quits after almost 12 years of marriage. There is so much I could rant on about there, confidence, jealousy, possessiveness, anger, depression...but really what is the point anymore.
Why didn't I post them? I don't know. Maybe they hurt too much. Maybe it was too personal, although anyone who talks to me for more than five minutes gets an earful from me. While I am not exactly an open book I am an open Cliff Note. I still have my secret thoughts though. Things only one or two people know, some thing's no one in the world knows. I have to have something left to say when I run out of all that other stuff. As much as I don't like how much I share sometimes I know why I do it. I want to be known. I want someone to know me. That I love shoes but hate wearing them, I like inexpensive flowers seeing a $50 bunch of roses die stresses me out but a grocery store bunch of wildflowers would make my day, I would rather be cold than hot, I can't watch embarrassing things on TV, I can't say dirty words, I am 31 but cannot bring myself to say the other words for kitty or rooster to save my life, while I am known as a prude in public I have four kids and a collection of 6 inch heels, you do the math, as much as I love musicals my all time favorite movie is actually Big Fish, I found myself decorating my whole house in the black, white, and red combo like my bedroom and had to rethink everything, I love organizing things but have the hardest time staying organized. Well that is enough about me, what about you?

1 comment:

Megan said...

First off, I love you. What a great read. Sometimes it is nice to let go. I don't think you're a prude, I think you have class. You're a lady and I appreciate that about you. You have always been open with me about what you wanted to be and I appreciate that too. I find the fact that you are taking charge of your life inspiring. The fact you can keep a General balance while raising 4 well behaved children an incredible feat. I doubt I could do it like you do with such grace.

The fact you don't say cock or pussy (lol I had to write it.. haha) is sweet. You don't HAVE to say those words, some people prefer to. Like I said. You are a lady. The fact other people find you beautiful (including me) is important... However the fact that you realize YOU want to feel beautiful is the first step of it. We all have body issues and it takes time to get over them. Even the "prettiest" of women have something. You are not alone. The fact you are making positive changes in your life to get to that point is HUGE! YOU WILL ONE DAY SEE WHAT EVERYONE ELSE SEES!

I don't have an exact idea of what people see me as or how I am. I know i share more than most openly without qualms but I still feel that occasional loneliness, that fear of judgement, that pain of regret. I know the more positive i am the more positive that comes my way. Every heartache is a lesson and that regardless of what negative people think of me there is still someone who thinks I'm lovely.

Anywho. I really did enjoy reading this and i hope you post more. <3